Chapter Twenty

As soon as Donghae saw Sungmin at school, he gave him a look that questioned his sanity.

Sungmin seemed mildly amused but embarrassed. “I figured after that last… incident, you might need it.”

It was almost like what Sungmin was referring to never happened to Donghae. Kyuhyun and Donghae never brought it up. They hadn’t done much beyond kissing since then. He wondered if maybe Kyuhyun thought he’d stepped over a boundary and decided to back off.

Not likely.

“It was one time,” Donghae grumbled.

“Yeah,” Sungmin whispered sarcastically. “And the next time he’s in one of his moods, it’ll be just one time that you need that stuff I gave you.”

“He wouldn’t,” Donghae started, but swallowed the rest of the comment. The thought of it was just scary. Kyuhyun getting angry with Donghae and cornering him somewhere private. It would be a repeat of the arcade scenario, only Kyuhyun would have more freedom, more experience. No limits.

Sungmin gave him a knowing look and shook his head.

Donghae rolled his eyes and pulled out his text book as the teacher walked into the class.

Kyuhyun came over that evening, bringing a movie with him. Donghae didn’t see anything wrong until his mom walked into the room and they couldn’t do anything physical until she left. He sat at one arm of the couch, chin cradled in his hand as he pretended to pay attention to the movie.

All he could think about was Kyuhyun’s anger radiating from him in waves from the other side of the couch.

It was no surprise when Kyuhyun pounced almost as soon as his mother left for work. He felt no desire to resist, letting Kyuhyun pin him to the couch and lie on top of him. He crushed their mouths together and pushed their tongues against each other in a rushed, heady kiss.

This time he was ready when Kyuhyun started to grind their hips together, meeting the friction with his own thrusts. He let his thoughts run rampant and free, letting his mind place them on the couch with no clothes, copulating and grunting and sweating and thrusting. He listened to Kyuhyun’s breath and imagined him exhaling with a moan, inhaling sharply. His fingers dug into Kyuhyun’s lower back and he imagined it bear, damp with sweat.

Kyuhyun said his name quietly, mixing his desires with reality across the thin line that barely separated them. When he opened his eyes, Kyuhyun looked back at him with eyes almost pained with need, lust. Kyuhyun’s arm reached around and took Donghae’s hand, still keeping their gazes locked.

Donghae leaned up and kissed Kyuhyun, resuming their previous positions. Except now Kyuhyun’s hand guided his down a shallowly heaving chest, down to the waistband of his jeans. This made it clear what Kyuhyun wanted.

And maybe Donghae was only too obliged to give it to him.

Donghae’s other hand joined the first in unbuttoning Kyuhyun’s pants. He felt a thrill shoot through his body and his pulse race as he unzipped the jeans, his fingers beginning to tremble for some reason.

Kyuhyun’s eyes drew his gaze upwards for just a moment. “Nervous?” he asked, a devious smirk on his face.

“Why would I be?” Donghae asked rhetorically. “Did you forget about that time at the arcade?”

Before Donghae’s fingers could slip beneath the waistband of Kyuhyun’s boxers, Kyuhyun flipped around in an abrupt, clumsy motion. Donghae sat on Kyuhyun’s lap, straddling his waist as he looked at him and let his hand hover over the bulge in Kyuhyun’s pants.

As if to help him find his way, one of Kyuhyun’s hands joined his own and pushed the waistband of his boxers down. The moment Donghae’s hand circled around Kyuhyun’s dick, he could see a sort of relief flood Kyuhyun’s face, the irritated anticipation draining to be replaced with thoughtless pleasure.

He jerked his hand up and down and swallowed dryly as he watched, Kyuhyun’s hands clutching around the outside of the thickest part of his thighs. He was mesmerized by the texture, the shape, the throbbing under his palm. He licked his lips with the memory of how it had tasted, his hand speeding up with excitement just slightly.

“You look like you’re enjoying this more than me,” Kyuhyun said, and Donghae spared a moment to roll his eyes.

“That a bad thing?” he asked. He tightened his grip and quickened his pace, aggravated that Kyuhyun still had a relevant enough thought process to speak.

Kyuhyun’s lips parted as he stared straight into Donghae’s eyes for a prolonged time, his hips ever-so slightly bucking against his hand. Donghae leaned forward and kissed Kyuhyun’s beautiful mouth, lapped his pout with his tongue before moving down to suck on the soft, smooth skin of his neck. His free hand pressed against Kyuhyun’s chest, feeling his heartbeat and marveling at how quick it was.

He heard Kyuhyun moan and closed his eyes.

But then he heard the car in the driveway and his eyelids snapped back open.

“Fuck!” Donghae hissed, panic throwing him from Kyuhyun’s lap and launching him across the couch to the opposite side. He watched as Kyuhyun zipped his pants up over the strain of his erection and clenched his teeth tightly together.

“Forgot my cell phone!” Donghae’s mom sang as she walked back through the door. One look at their disheveled appearances and flushed faces from over the back of the couch and her eyebrows knitted together.

Donghae turned his burning face away from his mother and glared at the television.

“Alright. See you two later,” she said as she left again.

They sat in silence for a long, agonizing moment as they waited for his mom’s car to pull out of the driveway.

“Let’s go to your room before your mom tries to cockblock us again,” Kyuhyun said at the same time he stood up and grabbed Donghae by the hands to drag him towards the stairs. About halfway up the stairs and Kyuhyun’s pants were undone, their mouths attached as they stumbled against the hand rail.

“I can’t walk if we’re sucking face,” Donghae said breathlessly. Kyuhyun let him go enough so that they made it up the stairs and behind his closed door, but then it was back together again as they collapsed on top of his bed, Donghae on top of Kyuhyun.

As Donghae pushed his hands under Kyuhyun’s shirt and trailed his mouth down the pulse on Kyuhyun’s neck, he felt his pants tighten unbearably and swallowed hard at the sight below. He moved Kyuhyun’s hands away from himself and took his dick around the base with his fingers, stroking slowly upwards.

“Fuck, do it already,” Kyuhyun bit out, and Donghae glanced up to see him tensing with anticipation.

It felt like control.

He had everything under his hands – almost literally. Kyuhyun’s hot and heavy stare as he waited impatiently, he could change that. Or he could make him wait. It was all his decision. He was on top for the moment, pinning Kyuhyun’s hips with one hand. He was in control.

“Donghae,” Kyuhyun snapped, snatching his attention back.

Donghae licked his lips and leaned downwards with a reassuring glance back up to Kyuhyun that said yes, he was going to do it. He paused a moment, his mouth just a breath away from the tip of Kyuhyun’s dick. He parted his lips and exhaled, trying to mentally prepare himself. Last time had been somewhat against his will. This time he had to keep what little control he had. He couldn’t mess up.

  Kyuhyun’s cock slid into his wet mouth in one fluid movement, eliciting a sharp grunt. Donghae sucked vigorously and swallowed around the tip to take in its entirety. He felt tears prick the edges of his eyelids as he restrained a gag around Kyuhyun’s dick, but nonetheless kept up his steadily increasing pace. When Kyuhyun’s hands started to grab handfuls of his hair, he pushed them away without missing a beat.

Kyuhyun let out a soft, high noise of ecstasy and bucked slightly into Donghae’s mouth. Donghae could feel himself throbbing against the inside of his pants and tried to ignore it as he lapped at the underside of Kyuhyun’s shaft. He drew his mouth upwards and gave a strong suck to the tip before forming an impossibly tight ring with his lips and pushing downwards again.

He just kept going. He had to close his eyes, had to struggle to breathe through his nose. He moaned around Kyuhyun’s dick when fingers clutched his hair and jerked him downwards unexpectedly. Kyuhyun was unpredictable – maybe he would come any moment, maybe it would be an eternity before he did. The leg that wasn’t between Donghae’s curled upwards and Kyuhyun’s heel dug into the bed.

Maybe he should have taken that as a warning. Kyuhyun exploded into his mouth, sending thick, hot liquid down the back of his throat and almost overflowing his mouth when he forgot to swallow. He slid his mouth up the length of Kyuhyun’s dick and ended with his pursed lips on the head just before leaning back and licking the corner of his mouth.

Exhaling with relief, Kyuhyun met his gaze with a smirk. “Surprise, surprise. You have a talent,” he said and ran his hands up Donghae’s thighs.

Donghae grinned. “You like that?” he asked cheekily, but it came out too lusty and deep. He was turned on and his dick was throbbing and ready for action. He needed something. He needed Kyuhyun. His grin fell and he swallowed at the sight of the man below him. “Can you…” but the words died in his mouth. His cock pulsed harder at the smirk Kyuhyun sent up to him. “Please. I’m… so hard,” he breathed.

He hadn’t even realized he’d been reaching for his own erection until Kyuhyun’s hands pushed his aside and undid his pants while simultaneously rolling them over so that Donghae lay on his back and Kyuhyun lay beside him.

“For compensation,” Kyuhyun stated as he dipped his hand into Donghae’s pants and rubbed him roughly through his underwear.

Donghae moaned softly because he hadn’t realized the true extent of how aroused he was. He grasped Kyuhyun’s wrist, pulling his hand harder and thrusting his hips upwards in unison. He whined when Kyuhyun removed his hand to push his shirt upwards and pull his underwear down.

“Don’t want to make a mess,” Kyuhyun said pleasantly, his mouth next to Donghae’s ear. His grip was firm, his hand moving quickly to get the job done. He massaged the tip, stroked along the entire base, paid a moment’s attention to his balls. He smirked when Donghae gave a needy moan and squeezed tighter to provoke more sounds.

“Please don’t stop this time,” Donghae begged, remembering the last handjob Kyuhyun had given him. Or started to give him, anyways. He couldn’t take that again. He might just pass out from the unreleased sexual arousal.

“You earned it this time,” Kyuhyun said huskily right as Donghae came.

He lost himself for a moment, completely forgetting his surroundings as blinding pleasure covered his eyes and ears. He vaguely registered Kyuhyun kissing him on the mouth and muttering something about “clean up” before disappearing from next to him.

Later on that night, while Kyuhyun held their bodies flush together with a possessive arm, Donghae replayed it in his head over and over. Kyuhyun coming for him. Coming for Kyuhyun. He felt a satisfaction he’d never gotten from any girl. He’d never loved a girl. Not like this.

“Kyuhyun,” Donghae whispered against the crook of his neck.

“What?” Kyuhyun answered.

“I know you don’t like hearing it,” Donghae began, “but I love you.”

“When did I ever say I didn’t like hearing it?” Kyuhyun asked.

“You never said you did.”

“You never asked.”

Donghae mentally rolled his eyes and sighed. “Well, do you?”

“Well duh. Who wouldn’t like being told ‘I love you’?” Kyuhyun asked rhetorically.

“Someone who didn’t love that person back,” Donghae murmured.

“Or someone who thought that person didn’t know what they were talking about,” Kyuhyun said. “Love is a big word. It’s only four letters, but it means a lot. People shouldn’t throw it around.”

Donghae’s heart panged with agony, tears forming in his eyes. He blinked them away and swallowed the lump in his throat. “I’m not throwing it around. I mean it.”

Kyuhyun said nothing.

“You’re everything in my life right now. I think about you every second. How many cliché things do you want me to say before you believe me?” Donghae’s voice broke as he spoke. “Not loving me back is one thing that I can try to cope with, but I couldn’t… I couldn’t handle you not believing me when I say it.”

Kyuhyun remained silent.

“Say something,” Donghae pleaded.

“What do you want me to say?” Kyuhyun questioned. “That I think you’re full of shit? We’re seventeen. We don’t know anything about that kind of thing.”

“My parents got married at seventeen,” Donghae snapped. He’d pulled away from Kyuhyun’s arms to glare at him, but the film of tears made it weak. “That’s no excuse.”

“Yeah, and your dad was an asshole who probably knocked her up before then, anyways.”

Donghae’s mind went white-hot with rage. He was thrashing himself out of bed and yelling before he knew what he was even saying. “Don’t say that about him! You didn’t even fucking know him! He was perfect!”

All the while Kyuhyun stared with an indecipherable look. When Donghae finished, he sat up and tilted his head to the side. “Get over your daddy complex, Donghae.”

He screamed something incoherent to his own ears and stormed out of his room, slamming the door.

He didn’t have time or the coordination in his fit of rage to find his car keys and make it out the door before Kyuhyun snatched him up and slung him onto the couch.

“Go on and throw your fucking temper tantrum,” Kyuhyun said loudly as he stood and looked down at Donghae, eyes black and cold. “But I’m right. Your dad beat you, and what do you do? You wear his hat around like you fucking worship it, like a sacred emblem. You don’t like talking about him because you don’t want people to see how crazy you were about him even though he hated you. And when you do talk about him, it’s like he was a motherfucking saint.”

“He was my dad,” Donghae shouted, trying to stand up. But Kyuhyun shoved him back down.

“And you know why you ‘love’ me, Donghae? You know why you think you can’t live without me? It’s because you’re crazy. You somehow link me to your dead father, and you’re crazy.”

Donghae got to his feet and swung, knocking Kyuhyun right across the jaw with his fist. He was prepared for Kyuhyun’s counterattack, the lunge that knocked them to the floor and the reeling fist. He blocked the first, but the second punch caught him across the other cheek. He gasped as Kyuhyun’s knee dug into his chest and he let his head fall backwards onto the carpeted floor with a thump.

“You’re the crazy one,” Donghae snapped, but his voice was thick from crying. “You’re bipolar. You need meds. You need to be locked up –”

A slap stung his left cheek and then a hand grasped his jaw tightly. “Who are you to diagnose me with a mental disorder?”

“Who are you to accuse me of having a father complex?” Donghae asked, blinking so that he could see Kyuhyun’s face through the tears. “Why don’t you love me?”

The anger dissipated and Kyuhyun’s face formed into a stoic mask. He leaned down, letting his hands slide away and brace himself against the floor. He kissed a tear from Donghae’s cheek. “I’m not your daddy, Donghae. I’m not going to love you like that.”

Donghae sniffed and wiped his nose. He was finished. He used the last of his strength to shove Kyuhyun from on top of him and almost into the television stand. He rolled onto his side and curled in on himself, feeling no will to stand up.

“Pouting?”

“I hate you,” Donghae spit out. “I want the real Kyuhyun back.”

Kyuhyun started laughing. “The real Kyuhyun? Please. I’m not insane. Don’t kid yourself. There’s only one person inside this head, and it’s me.”

Donghae didn’t reply. He lay on the floor until Kyuhyun left the room and long past when he knew Kyuhyun had gone back to bed. Eventually he crawled onto the couch and buried his face in a pillow to sleep, thankful when his tears finally dried up.  

.-.-.

A hand closed around his wrist gently, tugging it away from his face. He groaned and jerked back, reluctant to give up his sleep.

“Donghae,” a voice whispered.

Donghae’s eyes opened wide at Kyuhyun’s voice. He turned over and looked up at Kyuhyun in the black of night.

“Come to bed,” he whispered.

Donghae blinked.

“I can’t sleep.”

“…What time is it?”

“It’s four,” Kyuhyun replied. “Your mom got home a little while ago.”

Donghae sat up, the blanket his mom had draped over him falling to his waist. “What are you doing?” he asked, remembering their fight from just a few hours ago.

Kyuhyun sat next to him and leaned in to kiss his cheek. “I couldn’t sleep. I can’t.”

Donghae, despite having so much pent up anger at this bastard that consumed Kyuhyun, melted at the voice. “Okay,” he whispered and stood to follow Kyuhyun back to his bedroom.

Even as he slid into a warm embrace, even as he knew this was the right Kyuhyun, there was something wrong. There was the feeling that what Kyuhyun had said had been a persistent thought to him, an idea that had developed over time.

It was what Kyuhyun really thought.

“I love you, too.”

Donghae closed his eyes.

“Donghae?”

Donghae opened them again.

“Did you hear me?”

He closed them and pretended to be asleep.

There was something wrong.

Because this wasn’t his Kyuhyun, either.

.-.-.

At school, Sungmin coaxed the story out of him. Sungmin didn’t say it, but Donghae knew what he was thinking. He was thinking that he’d been right about Kyuhyun. Whether he was bipolar or insane or whatever, there was something direly wrong.

“I’m sorry,” Sungmin said.

“There’s nothing to be sorry about,” Donghae replied. “If something is wrong with Kyuhyun, it’s not your fault. It’s not his, either.”

“You’re serious about him.”

Donghae cut his eyes upwards to Sungmin with furrowed eyebrows.

Sungmin held up his hands and blew a sigh. “Just saying. Geez.”

Donghae didn’t get a chance to go to the library at all that afternoon. For the most part, he was concerned about running into Kyuhyun there. After the last bell, he skipped tutorials and headed for the library. Kyuhyun was in track and would take at least another hour, which was plenty of time for Donghae.

He sat at a computer desk and immediately felt guilty without ever having typed a word. It took him a good ten minutes to breathe deep and make his decision. As he pulled up a search engine, he constantly checked over his shoulder to make sure it was just the librarian in the room with him. He wished there were computers facing the other direction so he could see who entered the library.

His first search was on bipolar disorder.

Kyuhyun’s episodes of rage were called ‘mania’ and the times like the night before were ‘depression.’ In his manic state he was flooded with negative energy, and Donghae was fairly certain his judgment was impaired for the most part. Bipolar disorder also affected sex drive.

Donghae swallowed and found a more detailed website. He read about every symptom and felt his stomach flip every time one of them matched to Kyuhyun’s behavior like a puzzle piece.

“What are you doing?”

His fingers spastically clenched the mouse and he whipped his face around. “N-nothing,” he blurted out.

But Kyuhyun didn’t look very believing. He looked pissed. His face was still red from running in athletics, and his eyes scanned the webpage he was on faster than Donghae could recuperate from his moment of shock to close the site.

“Really, now?” Kyuhyun asked scornfully.

Donghae stood up. He shook his head as Kyuhyun advanced and backed him against the computer desk. The librarian had disappeared. He was alone. “It’s not what you think.”

As soon as Kyuhyun’s hand moved, Donghae was out of there.

His heart pounded in his ears and his head throbbed with a dazed and terrified headache as his adrenaline propelled him through the school and into the parking lot. He fumbled with his keys until he could unlock his car and nearly hit three people trying to back out of his spot.

All he could see was Kyuhyun. Angry Kyuhyun. Enraged Kyuhyun. Violent Kyuhyun. Bipolar Kyuhyun.

His phone rang from his pocket. He pulled it out and gulped at the caller ID. He ignored Kyuhyun’s call.

If I call, you answer.

He blocked the second call. And the third. He made it to his driveway just as he started prying the battery out in the middle of the fourth.

He made it to his front door and rushed inside to his room.

.-.-.